Brooklyn-based rap duo Das Racist can be impossible to write about.

Not only because they toss references to post-modern theorists, fast food, 80s bands, 70s commercials, and too many others to list here into a blender and create a giant smoothie of awesomeness.

Not only because most other publications  seem to be secretly surprised that two brown men of less-than-elite upbringing in America are actually edumacated enough to use those po-mo references correctly, thereby proving that stubborn traces of racism are still around…which was the point of the song, ha!…but leave us wondering even where to begin with these two.

Not only because they’re very well aware of all the tricks of the journalism trade and know how their words can be used as sound-bites and pull-quotes.

But also because they don’t really give a sh*t about what music journalists think of them. Especially, from what we can see, the pretentious music criterati at Pitchfork.

So we asked them for advice for all the kids out there planning to become journalists. What should they learn? What should they avoid? What are the dos and dont of journalism from the perspective of the interviewee?

This being Das Racist, we only got the don’ts. But hey — they’re totally worth knowing!!

DAS RACIST’S TOP 5 MUSIC JOURNALISM DON’TS

We just took the five most recent album reviews on Pitchfork and critiqued them.

Fang Island, Fang Island:

Brooklyn’s Fang Island describe their aesthetic as “everyone high-fiving everyone.” So it’s appropriate that the band’s website features a video of them jamming out with kindergartners and another with Andrew WK– people so caught up in having a good time that you sometimes wonder if they’re bullshitting you. What helps Fang Island steamroll past cynicism is how “fun” isn’t just an ornament for them, it’s embedded in the band’s musical DNA.

1. DON’T say “embedded in the band’s DNA.” That sounds racist.

Eddy Current Suppression Ring, Rush to Relax:

A final product much less polished than the band’s previous work, Rush to Relax is also a more accurate, interesting sonic articulation of the band’s frenetic frontman, Brendan Suppression. “Anxiety” picks up right where Colours left off– its rubber-band riffs wrapped tightly around Suppression’s existential babbling…After some existential tripping about “going on a holiday and you’re never coming back,” Suppression nails down a mantra.

2. DON’T say “existential” more than once in a three paragraph review. Try not to even say it once.

Pillars and Tongues, Lay of Pilgrim Park:

Still, the songs with more instrumentation and melodic drive are the clear highlights. “Made Sheen” doubles down on the percussion and repeats its title to hypnotic effect, and “Park Saint and Folly” builds from a solo string part into something layered and more purposeful– even introducing a bassline in its ninth minute that’s almost funky.

3. DON’T say “funky.” Don’t even say “almost funky.”

Babe Rainbow, Shaved EP:

The material collected here aren’t as much songs as they are dark mood pieces. Opening track “Popcommon” establishes the portentous mood– its lone melodic line is a burnt-out, static charge that sounds like a jet engine powering down. Here and elsewhere Reed displays a talent for utilizing negative space, creating a sense of urban paranoia and isolation that runs throughout Shaved.

4. DON’T say “urban paranoia.” What do you mean by “urban?” Racist.

Various Artists, PVI006/IBB004:

Listening to this brisk collection of eager UK bands, I’m reminded of early-1990s indie comps, which often resonated as much as albums by individual artists. There are no big concepts or specific themes on Flying Nun’s In Love With These Times, Homestead’s Human Music,Teenbeat’s 50, or K’s International Pop Underground Convention, but something less tangible– energy, common backgrounds, maybe just the serendipity of timing– unifies these sets.

5. DON’T say “I’m reminded of early-1990s indie comps.” I don’t care.

Check out more Das Racist on MTV Iggy!
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