Ugh…

So I start blogging an hour-and-a-half before the Grammys — America’s pop Oscars — and I’m already disappointed with the event that officially hasn’t even begun…

(If you’re outside the US, you can watch them streaming on CBS starting NOW! And read our coverage of the full show here! But below, the red-carpet….)

I mean, I shouldn’t have had any hope for this poppy phoniness… But I was still excited to salivate over the dresses — which are always more kick a** than the duldrums Oscars! And I wanted Gaga to win everything!

But, alas, I found that TAYLOR SWIFT HAS ALREADY WON SOMETHING. Bleugh…

She won two awards at the pre-Grammy’s Grammy’s, when they dole out gold trumpets in all the classical and technical awards for the music biz.

Look at the full list of everyone who was nominated here:
Who’s Nominated for a Grammy? It’s Kind of Insane! From LMFAO to Lonely Island
RED CARPET

Just as I tune in for the red-carpet coverage, Lady Gaga arrived! “Lady Gaga’s dress looks like something most people could not exist in,” said my friend, Jon. “I think she broke the laws of physics.”

She can barely get out of a convertible, even when assisted by four tuxedoed “handlers.” Jon was speaking not only of her cycloning gyroscope of a plastic dress or the “starburst” she’s holding, but her INCREDIBLE shoes — huge platforms that tip inward, like a geisha’s. With a plastic skirt that kicks up, it almost looks like she’s wearing a kiddie pool. Love how she’s mooning for the camera. And we haven’t even yet mentioned her “Vitamin-C-esque” hair-dye. (Bright orange at the tips, with blonde on top.)

Ryan Poopcrest is now interviewing Justin Bieber as he plays guitar hero, and the funny thing is that Bieber is so distracted by the video game — which is just there for product placement — so that he doesn’t seem to want to head over for the interview. And when Seacrest asks him if he knew the song he’s playing in before, Bieber says yeah, “He’s on my label.”

Is Ryan Seacrest hiding secret fat?

LMFAO is getting interviewed now. They are embarrassing themselves by dancing, with no shirts beneath their tuxes.

Fleetwood Mac is over on the other camera. They are soooo tall, and that’s what’s talked about. Snooze.

Seacrest is now interviewing Colbert… “Did Barbara not look fantastic last night?” he asks, of Streisand.

My mother mistakes Smokey Robinson for Jackie Chan. ‘Nuf said.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand are up now. Brand is talking about being in India at midnight, proposing to Perry. To them, Indians “can’t tell the difference between New Year’s Eve and the apocalypse” (Perry). She’s wearing a bindi. He’s totally stoned behind aviator glasses, looking around at other women. “Okay, baby, my parents are watching,” she says, shutting him up. “I have this whole kind of India thing since I came back from India.” Her purse is a beaded Judith Lieber elephant. Her dress is a Zac Posen. My mother wonders what these things have to do with India.

“You’re the high-priest of celebrity culture,” Brand weighs in. “You can marry us.”

Colbert was just interrupted by Justin Bieber. Is he drunk? He’s just doing TV Guide’s bidding!

Travis Barker shows up with a sleeping child wrapped around his neck. Who brings a sleeping child to an awards ceremony!?

Lonely Island! YES! It’s Andy Samberg and that… guy writer. When Samberg learns he’s on the awful TV Guide channel, he jokes: “This interview is sponsored by Turbo Tax.” The boys admit they want Jay-Z.

Usher is in a great suit, but he’s making it too busy, according to Jon. He’s wearing a checkered shirt and black tie…

Heidi Klum is in a shiny pastel mini cocktail dress, like what a disco diva would wear and she’s got a million rings, Seal is her opposite in no accessories at all and a slick black tux with a black shirt beneath. They are not amused by Seacrest. They are waaaay too high-class. They emit one syllable to answer all his questions.

The Black Eyed Peas show up, looking like people who could never be in the same band together. They each have a completely crazy outfit. That one who never talks is in an MJ-inspired metallic army jacket. Fergie is in a tiny blue thing with a metal wave. This would be eliminated on Project Runway.

Keri Hilson is on now. Everything about her is vanilla. Her pastel cocktail dress, her responses. We’re fine with her but unexcited. She’s a waste of calories…

Our favorite person so far was the fat guy with a diamond collar in the background of a shot of Smokey Robinson.

Now we’re back to Brand, who retells the story of his engagement.”I screamed in her face, ‘Rescue me. The promiscuity cannot bring happiness. So naturally she said, ‘I will rescue you.’” My mother thinks he’s self-absorbed and disgusting. He’s talking only about himself while it’s her that’s nominated…

OMG MAXWELL IS SO HOT. Rich brown suit, tortoise-shell glasses, and a shirt so white it’s making my eyes hurt. He is the definition of a suave gentleman who I want to love.

I LOVE Jennifer Hudson‘s dress and bangs. She says she’s been working on her figure, exercising. She’s wearing really cool lucite bracelets. Her hair is in three different haircuts at the same time! Bangs, pull-back, and HUGE pony-tail.

As we keep changing channels and coming back to E, we are constantly surprised at how fat Ryan Seacrest looks.

WE SAW BEYONCE IN THE BACKGROUND! Why can’t they show more! Who ARE these people in the foreground?

Wyclef Jean is here in a fine suit. It’s ok. My mother gives him the diagnosis, as soon as he opens his mouth, “He’s depressed.” She notes, however, that his suit is probably extremely expensive since the stripes line up over the shoulder…

Jamie Foxx brings three women up onstage for the Grammys. They start singing Gaga songs…

Finally, it’s Beyonce! She’s in Stefan Rowland (sp?) and agrees to take a 360 degree picture for E!

Taylor Swift‘s dress has a window in it that looks into his boobs. She says she’s moving out of her parents’ house into a condo. “My philosophy with this place was ‘Why not?’” She supposedly has a koi pond around the fireplace. “Why not make it look like a pirate ship!?”

Our answer why not? = because normal people do not have this kind of money, and maybe there are better things to do with it. (Haiti?)

She says she can’t believe she already won the two Grammy’s (for Country Music vocals and Country Album) but she also says she’s used to going to peoples’ houses to write who already have Grammy’s…

Lea Michel, of Glee, shows up in the dress from two weeks’ ago’s Project Runway, which Tim Gunn called a “figure skating costume.”

Someone here is wearing Givenchy straight off the runway and it looks terrible! It’s Ciara, nominated for Best Pop something… The SEE-THROUGH PANTS are NOT WORKING.

The red carpet is clearing out, Ryan Seacrest reports… But Travis Barker and sleepy child carry on…